Today was real hard for me. I have so many things to do at once that I feel like I am burning a candle at both ends. With all that is going on in my life, with trying to sell mom's estate, dealing with my siblings, going back and forth from Vernon to Lubbock, trying to do my job, getting my new house in order to where we can move in soon, looking for a new place to worship, pay bills, and be the wife and mother that I need to be, keeping the house as organized as much as I can and so much more. I feel as though I am coming unravelled at times. I know that I am not, but sometimes it is so overwhelming. There is so much that needs my attention. I am not complaining, just venting. I thank the Lord that He is still in control. I would really mess things up, if I was. I really miss Mother. I wished that I could talk to her. She always listened when I needed to talk. I don't want to burden Wayne down with little petty things. I know that a lot of things that women go through, men are not that concerned. It is not a big of deal to them. Women just need to talk sometimes. I know that Wayne loves me and would listen to me but he has so much that he has to deal with himself. I just feel like what I have to say is not important enough to worry him with. We do not even have time for one another. I do not want us to get lost in all of this part of our lives. I miss Mom so much. She managed so good with all the kids and dad and the things in her life. I know that I can. Lord, you have to help me. Help me get through this. I need your comfort and strength. I need you Lord. The Bible says," those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up on wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not grow faint" I will be alright. I have a big God and I can depend on and trust to be there for me. Thank you my Heavenly Father.

My House

After 33 years, we finally have purchased our first home. It is so wonderful. We have such great plans for it. It is so perfect for us. God has blessed us so much. We have pastored for many years and have always lived in someone else's home. We have had permission to do some things to their house but it was never mine. The congregation would let us do the remodeling but it had to be voted on and passed by the church. You will never know what I mean, till you walk in the shoes of a pastor. We loved pastoring, don't get me wrong. We haven't pastored in about 4 years now. If it is the Lord's will, we would probably pastor again, if it came up at some point and time. I would definately want to have my own home though. So this will be a blessing to have in that since. We have lived in some beautiful homes and some not so beautiful. It was like whatever was dealt your way, you had to live in it. Back in 1980, we lived in a 3 bdrm 1 bath pasonage that was next to the church. The winter was so cold that Wayne, Jonathan (age 1) and I had to stay in one bedroom just to stay warm. When the wind blew, the curtains would move. We brought it before the church that we needed to do something about it. At the meeting, one of the elders of the church said that it was good for his family 70 years ago and it was good enough for us. We did not stay there very long after that. In another parsonage, in another town, the water bugs were so huge, you didn't dare get up at night to go to the restroom. We tried everything to get rid of them and nothing would work. Plus the roof sagged so bad in one bedroom, that the men of the church had to put a brace up inside the rafters. I was so thankful when we left there. So, that is just some of our experiences over the past years. There was 2 parsonages though, that were nice and I enjoyed staying in them. So, you have some idea why I was so wanting my own place. God just let everything work out and I praise Him for it. Again He knew my desire and He came through for me. We are going to have it dedicated soon. I hope that it will be a way that we can have home Bible studies or a home cell group. We want to have it to where we can minister in some way. I can truly say, Thank you, Heavenly Father!

A Good Day

Today I woke up with peace in my heart. It has been a while. I realized that my cup is running over and I am so blessed. I have a wonderful husband and 3 sons and a daughter, and Princess (our family pet) and Selah (my grand-dog) that loves me. What more could I ask for? I have had a good day!
It has been hard the last few weeks with Mother being sick and then with her passing. I don't really know how to feel. Do I supposed to dwell on what has happened? Am I not being a strong Christian if I think on it and start to cry? Am I weak? Sometimes, I sit in the morning drinking my coffee and my mind goes right to thinking about her and I start to cry again. Is that wrong? I have been trying to stay busy so that I would not think about it so much. In doing that I do not know if that is really dealing with losing Mother. How do I supposed to feel when I do not have parents anymore to lean on, to ask for advice about something, etc? It all seems so unreal. It is almost like it is someone else's life that I am looking at. I have been in a daze for a while. I do not know if it is just fatigue or what. I have been sleeping better the last few days. Thank God for that. I still have trouble focusing at times. WE supposed to be closing on our house that we are buying and I can't seem to get into it anymore. What do I supposed to do? I need to pack but it is hard to get going again. I have got to get it together. Nathanael asked me one day if I had remembered something that he had asked about earlier. I told him that I could not remember him even asking me anything. I apologized to him and in his sweet way, he forgave me. The family has been so supportive and understanding. Thank you everyone. I know there will still be days that will be hard, but I know through Christ that there will be days that will be fabulous. I do praise my Heavenly Father in whom I can trust.
My younger sister told me that she said to herself one day, when I called (on her birthday, the 16th) that she knew Mother would not want her to be sad on her special day. So she decided that she was going to be happy. She has been dealing with all of this her own way by saying that Mother is on a much needed rest and that she will see her and Dad again. I have been trying to do that today. It may be different tomorrow but I am doing great now. That is what counts. Thanks, sis.
Sorry if this has been jumbled a little. I guess that is ok. It is sometimes hard to write really the way I feel. I guess that I wonder what someone will think of me. I've always been that way. Being a minister's wife, I have had to keep a lot of things inside for many years. I guess that is why it is hard to write anything. But, that is for another day, I guess.
To God be the Glory!

Mother

On March 6, 2009, I lost my precious Mother. She struggled for years with COPD/Heart Problems/Diabetes. She fought very hard during these last few months. To see her go from 120 lbs to under 100 lbs. was so difficult. She struggled to get the strength to even eat and drink. She was a child of God. She lived for Him till her last breath. Her hearts desire was to see her children saved. There is still one out of the fold. He knows what he must do, but he is not ready. I will keep praying for him. I miss Mother terribly. I had called her everyday to check on her. I live 3 hrs away, so I could not go to see her as often as I had wanted to. I still want to talk to her everyday. I have looked at the phone and almost picked it up a couple of times to call and then I would remember that she is no longer here. Sometimes, I feel so lost. It seemed like her and Daddy would help keep me together or something. I can't really explain it. I am so joyful though that she and Daddy are together now, after 11 years. I know where she is. I will miss that I could always call her when I needed her to help me pray for something. I know that she always would. I was going through some of her notes, after she left (she always found something to write on) and I found a List of her hearts desires. To name a couple, she listed things like, helping the poor and needy. She wanted to make sure the children were fed. Children were important to her (since she raised 12). She had always wanted a food and clothing closet at church to be able help those in need in the community. She was very missioned minded. She showed me what a true Christian was. She would play her guitar with love for her Lord and love for music. She really had all the Fruit of the Spirit working in her life. She did not lack one that I know of. I want to pattern my life like hers. She left me an heritage and I want to continue and pass it along to my children. I love you Mom and I miss you. I can truly say, "Well done, Mama. I will see you soon."